Not a tourist, not a local

I don't give myself much free time to go out.  Seeing the people I grew up with is rarely a priority for me.  I travel like an addict, as if I need to be on a plane to be able to breathe.  I look forward to coming home so I can recover, write, hug my children.  Because of this I've recently found myself in a strange place where I feel homeless.  Not in the sense of lacking shelter.  It just feels different.

I'm not a tourist, but I'm not a local anymore.

So then the question becomes "Well then, what the fuck am I?" because I'm still here.  Oddly enough this doesn't make me ask "Who the fuck am I?", at least not yet, because I know exactly who I am, and who I am not.  If there's any good to come from my feeling lost it's that I was able to find myself because of that.  Holy shit that was deep (giggling).

But seriously what the fuck am I?  I'm a Father, angler, writer, TV Show host.  All of that, even parenthood, is totally superficial.  It doesn't define what.  The.  Fuck.  I am.  So then what am I?  Am I still a Yankee?  To me, I will ALWAYS be a New Yorker.  I don't care where I live or how long I've been gone.  It doesn't matter what state issues my Driver's License.  I'm from the N - Y.  And you city pricks, don't tell me I'm not.  We upstaters are the REAL NY's and trust me, the feeling is mutual.

But what the fuck am I?  I've been asking myself that over and over for the last 3 weeks.  What am I?  And do you know what I've found the answer to be?

Alone.

And that is the scariest thing in the fucking world for me, and that's why it's exactly what I need right now.

For the past 18 months I've lived in constant fear, paranoia, anxiety, fear, exhaustion, paranoia, heartache.  I withdrew from everyone, and the whole fucking time it looked like my life was perfect to the world.  The reality is that I was going through the hardest period of personal growth in my life.  As though the universe was making me pay the ultimate price for having actually achieved my dream.

Most of you don't really know me.  Even if you think you do you probably don't.  And in fact, if we haven't dated in the last 8 months, have the same father, or you don't call me "Dad" you don't know me AT ALL.  But if you are one of those few, then you know that I've been a mess, and it's because I love you that I let you see me falling apart.

But I don't know what's next.   I don't know what to do, or where to go, to feel "home".  I'm even sitting and writing this in one of the last places I have left that truly feels like home to me.  But the people who were here then, are all long gone.  Dead or dead to me.  Dead to each other.  That I have this place to come to proves I'm not a tourist (to me, anyhow).

Being here also reminds me of every time I got knocked down, came here, and left stronger than the day I arrived.  Maybe it's the sammiches at the Smithville Store.  They always did look superhuman even if they weren't.  There's that saying "Must be somethin' in the water..." and there could certainly be truth in that as well.  But what I really believe is that coming here reconnects me to nature in a way fishing does not.

This place is the land that time forgot because it's disconnected.  This is not a disadvantage, or a hardship.  Smithville Flats is a lifestyle choice.  It's a profound demonstration of a group of people that decide every day that the REAL world got too fucking weird, and way too fucking busy.  These people still borrow eggs from a neighbor, have an antenna on the roof, and give zero fucks about getting faster wifi.

And these are my kind of mother fuckers.

And to them, I'm "home".

Seven Must-Take Trips for Twenty-Somethings!

Seven Must-Take Trips for Twenty-Somethings!

If you have a friend getting hitched or just looking to get wild with some friends, these 7 destinations for this summer won't break your budget!

1. Tampa Bay

Tampa is a really good time, and really inexpensive this time of year. If you're under 30, this place is hotter than Hades right now! Clubs. The Gulf. Crystal clear rivers for rafting. And drinks with umbrellas in them.

2. Savannah

Besides the fact that there's no open container law, Tybee Island is one of the best kept secrets on the East Coast and is just a skip away. 3 Universities within 50 miles? Yes please.

3. Sodus Bay

Lake Ontario in the summer is off the chain. The snow is finally gone, and the goal seems to be to try to pack a year's worth of fun into 7 weeks. Rent jet skis, get a tan, get a tattoo. Just don't get arrested.

4. Windsor

This is one of the most bangin cities in Canada, just across the river from Detroit. And with the US Dollar absolutely killing the Canadian in the exchange rate right now, you can almost get 2:1 on your money. You can't go here and not have a good time, and the club scene if off the hook.

5. Pocono Mountains

Grab a tent, a cooler, and your bathing suits. Rafting down the Delaware River is not only beautiful, but it's also oozing with the three things of summer no trip can be without: boys, babes, and booze.

6. Ithaca Grassroots Festival

This is the closest thing to Woodstock you're going to find right now. Camp for 5 days, swim naked in waterfalls, dance your ass off, and make out (a lot). Vegas rules definitely apply (what happens here, stays here).

7. South Beach

Two places in Florida? Well there are too many hardbodies in convertibles to have just one. This one is last on the list, because it might be the last trip you ever take. Seriously hot, with some of the hottest night clubs in all of America. You won't be looking forward to confessing this long list to your priest.